<?php
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$xhtml = array(
	'<{title}>' => 'I&apos;m a terrible person.',
	'takedown' => '2017-11-01',
	'<{body}>' => <<<END
<section id="dreams">
	<h2>Dream journal</h2>
	<p>
		I dreamed I had gone to California for an errand.
		My father delivered a package to the home of my cousins, where I was at.
		He thought I was there with my mother, so I informed him I&apos;d come alone.
		I climbed up onto his truck, which was raised, to retrieve the package, but the brakes weren&apos;t engaged.
		My father shrugged it off, latching onto the ceiling instead of engaging them.
		The truck rolled, and I had no choice but to grab onto some pipes on the ceiling as well to avoid falling.
		I dangled, trying to call for help from Cyrus, who I guess was with me even though I&apos;d come alone.
		I couldn&apos;t get my words to carry far, so I shrieked with as high a pitch as I could manage.
		I wasn&apos;t that panicked or anything, but I figured he&apos;d hear it and come to investigate.
		He did.
		I got him to stand below me and grab me, though it took some doing to get him to do that.
		He kept trying to go about the rescue in idiotic ways.
	</p>
	<p>
		I don&apos;t recall the events between, but somehow, I ended up in a new situation.
		I dreamed Cyrus had a special gun that fired loose change and was doing everything in his power to hit me with it.
		He had a whole bucket full of tip money and was intent on using it as ammunition.
		I tried to escape by hiding under a bed, but the legs were too short.
		I ended up raising the bed on one end, so he repositioned and aimed from that end.
		I ended up using a mattress alone to guard myself with.
		Strangely, my blue linen shirt had become a fitted sheet and was the one covering the matrress.
		I was worried the shirt would have holes punched in it by the coin gun, but it was better than having those holes punched in <strong>*me*</strong>.
	</p>
	<p>
		I stayed up way too late last night.
		It was worth it as I got a lot done, but I didn&apos;t get enough sleep, so I went to bed.
		This time, I dreamed I was at a public shower with Cyrus, his room mate, and his room mate&apos;s lover.
		I&apos;d taken off my pants and gone behind a wall, to where the shower heads were, but I came back out for some reason; I forget why.
		The room mate pointed out that I wasn&apos;t wearing pants and was in public view.
		I was still wearing my shirt though.
		I wasn&apos;t bothered, but tried to find my pants out of politeness.
		I noticed the room mate was missing one of their two top front teeth, and the other had shifted into the centre.
		It looked like it was deteriorating and would likely soon come out.
		I learned Cyrus had been causing his room mate emotional distress, which had somehow been impacting his room mate&apos;s dental heath.
		They were permanently losing teeth over this.
		Apparently they were also some kind of sorcerer, and had recently began coughing up a liquid manifestation of magical energy due to poor health.
		I noticed my bite wasn&apos;t what it usually is, and my own top front teeth were sticking down way too far.
		I kept trying to convince myself everything was fine, but I greatly feared I was going to lose my front teeth as well.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="drudgery">
	<h2>Drudgery</h2>
	<p>
		The discussion continues ...
		If I continue not making any unnecessary posts, I&apos;ll have an unredacted journal entry in two days.
	</p>
	<blockquote>
		<p>
			It&apos;s interesting that the conductor of the prison experiment ended up drawn into the situation created by his scenario as well.
			As you said, it wasn&apos;t just the participants that were deluded by this false reality.
			And yet ... while everyone involved was drawn in, they all knew in their heads that it was fake.
			I think this shows how much the imagination can take over the human mind.
			Even knowing something isn&apos;t real, it impacts us as if we thought it was.
		</p>
	</blockquote>
</section>
<section id="worries">
	<h2>Worries</h2>
	<p>
		My driving instructor&apos;s still been failing to get back to me about when they&apos;ll have time.
		They start school in April.
		If we don&apos;t hurry, they&apos;re not going to have the time for me!
		After they start school, there won&apos;t be time to put it off any longer, either.
		We can&apos;t wait until they get a break, as my permit expires in July.
		My stress levels have been building over this, and I was starting to get the impression this isn&apos;t going to work out after all.
	</p>
	<p>
		I decided I&apos;d wait until the beginning of next month, then pester them one last time, asking if they&apos;d checked their schedule to see when they had time yet.
		They&apos;d of course have forgotten, as of course they&apos;ve forgotten already which is why they&apos;re not getting back to me, so I&apos;d let them off the hook.
		I&apos;d say not to worry about it, and I&apos;d move on.
	</p>
	<p>
		But ... as they were leaving work today, I decided at the last minute to ask now.
		It&apos;s been over half a month since I last asked them, so it&apos;s not unreasonable that they should&apos;ve gotten back to me by now, and it&apos;s not like I&apos;m being overly pushy.
		I&apos;d just let them off the hook now, so I could put an end to my stress.
		As it turns out though, they have figured out when to fit me in, just hadn&apos;t told me yet.
		At the beginning of April, they&apos;re quitting their second job.
		At the end of April, they&apos;re going to school.
		Between those two points, they&apos;ll teach me.
		Additionally, a third party overheard and asked what was going on, and as we explained, I, in a very calculated move, let drop when my permit is expiring.
		My driving instructor now knows <strong>*exactly*</strong> when my time frame ends.
		They may not realise that if we fail to make the deadline, I plan to give up instead of renewing, but they should know getting this done before that expiration point would be preferable.
		By their stated timeline though, we&apos;ll be done two months ahead of that.
		There shouldn&apos;t be any issues.
	</p>
	<p>
		I knew they were working a second job, but I hadn&apos;t even factored that in, time-wise.
		I hadn&apos;t thought about the heavy burden already on their schedule.
		I had no reason to suspect they&apos;d be quitting one job soon either.
		Perhaps it was selfish for me to even ask for their help at all.
		And worse ... when I told my other coworker about my expiration date, it was really a message meant for my driving instructor, telling them we don&apos;t have time to put this off forever.
		It was a move of manipulation.
		I&apos;m a terrible person sometimes, and I don&apos;t deserve their help.
		Y&apos;know, I remember using to have empathy.
		I could read people&apos;s emotions and anticipate their needs.
		But that was worn away so very long ago.
	</p>
	<p>
		Still, time is running out and I have nowhere else to turn.
		Sure, it&apos;s not overly important for now, but it&apos;s not like I necessarily have a later.
		I&apos;m not staying here in this stupid job much longer, if I can help it, and it&apos;s not like volunteer driving instructors pop up everywhere.
		With my family being the mess that it is, I don&apos;t even have the usual resources most people do.
		My mother coerced me into getting a permit so she could teach me, but then crapped out and never did.
		At this point, I&apos;ve been away from my mother long enough to regain enough strength not to put up with her crap, too.
		She&apos;s incredibly aggravating behind the wheel, and I imagine most if not all of that would carry over to her behaviour as an instructor.
		I have the strength not to go into that situation, but not the strength to buck up and deal with her as an instructor.
		I could ask my father of course, but if it ever got out that I&apos;d gone to him and not her, my mother would likely disown me like she did Cyrus.
		Then there&apos;s Cyrus and Vanessa.
		Cyrus doesn&apos;t drive and isn&apos;t in town anyway, and Vanessa&apos;s just learning herself.
		I simply don&apos;t have options.
	</p>
	<p>
		My instructor also brought up today that they wanted to repay me for lending them money a while back.
		I actually lent them money twice, but didn&apos;t write about the second time.
		The first time was important for my own healing, but the second time didn&apos;t warrant mention in this personal journal.
		The second time, they tried to pay me twenty dollars more than they owed, but I of course declined.
		They wanted to repay the favour, but I barely even wanted the cash repaid.
		Part of the reason I even asked for their help was to give them a way to repay what they perceived they owed me.
		I guess somewhere along the way though, this stopped being at all about them in my mind, and became solely about me and my potential future.
		When I asked, I was fully ready for them to decline and I&apos;d move on, not even caring in the slightest, but I&apos;ve become emotionally involved with the idea now.
		I want this over with.
		I don&apos;t even plan to <strong>*use*</strong> the license for several years at least, but I don&apos;t want to have to get another learner&apos;s permit later.
		I want the license to be here if and when I need it.
		If I can afford an electric car and I want to leave the city at some point, I want to be able to buy one and go.
		I have no idea where opportunity can be found for someone such as myself, but I feel like the chances of finding love and/or finding a calling are slim to none if I&apos;m bound to one pair of Siamese twin cities.
		I&apos;m just too ... bizarre.
		I&apos;m a freak, in more ways than one.
		I won&apos;t find a place I fit in if my search radius is too small.
		I didn&apos;t ask to be a freak.
		I deserve a sporting chance in finding happiness.
		Widening my search area is my best shot at that.
	</p>
</section>
END
);

